tired of the run around

My life seems so messy and chaotic. I feel drained....every part of my being has been invested in a relationship that constantly seems to fail. I'm paralyzed by it because in relationships it takes 2 to make it work, it's not like the relationship you have with yourself where you are battling things within yourself and trying to grow and change and shape who you're going to be. Relationships are much more complicated in that its two people coming together from different parents, different understandings of the world and then trying to make one life together whole.
In the past four years I have had so much hope, faith, love and I was certain Cody was the man I wanted to spend my life with. He was the man I wanted to give myself to and have children with and form a family with. Now, one beautiful daughter and another miracle on the way later I'm stuck in the biggest dilema i've been faced with yet. Within the last year, since my pregnacy with my daughter, our relationship has hit major bumps which have left me severly emotionally scared. Not only by the things he has done to hurt me, but the kind of person I've become since going through some of these tough moments. Being hurt by someone you love so much can change you.....it certianly has changed me. I feel broken and unworthy because I think if I was important and worthy to Cody he wouldn't hurt me like he has. if he respected me he wouldn't have made the same mistake as many times as he has. I can't help but feel bitter towards him. It feels like I have a perminant bruise on my heart that no one will ever be able to heal.
All i really long for is true love. I want to be in love, to experience real undying love. the kind that any temptation any rough patch can push through and come out victorious. I want a man that gets hit on my a girl and he turns her away politely but gets the point across that he loves his girl and she's there to stay. I want to know I am safe with my man. I want to feel confident that even though I'm not the hottest girl, he always makes sure to make me feel like I'm his one and only.
I want to be loved and know that I am loved. I want my heart to trust instead of fear.

kurt halsey's art work always speaks what my heart is feeling

SubMeRgEd by you...

Constant struggles
A constant battle,
a battle between one heart and another. My heart
and the right
I remember that time you held me,
missing your warm embrace
I walk tip-toeing around you because
the truth is, I don't trust myself with you.
You are like a drug, you get me so high
the temptation becomes too much
I cannot resist this temption.
your kisses are poison!
a venom that brings knots to my stomach
making every hair on my arms stand.
I lay awake tonight thinking of you
Wondering...
will I have the strength to make an honest person out of me tomorrow?
or the next day,
or the next......?

Guilty Pleasure!!

The Truth Is ....

I think i'll regret letting you go forever. Even though I know God has a plan for me, I regret letting a chance for something great go because of Jealousy & Stubbornness!

"....the mark of your absence a restless ache. You are like Open SKy, I am like the Sea. take Me in every drop. fall back into me."

eVoLve

Sally Mann!

It's a mighty current

we both walk along the beach with our hands entangled and our eyes searching the horizon. with few words spoken the sunset serves as the perfect closure. Here a moment of truth awakens us to reality. As I look into his eyes I feels mine start to water. A tear begins to fall and every attempt to impress him is washed away.

Smoke to smoke. Ashes to ashes.

I’m an optimist when I forget to be a realist at times

I’m a pessimist when I forget to be an optimist at times

I’m a realist when I forget to be anything else

I'm a sucker for romance

"Summer romances begin for all kinds of reasons, but when all is said and done, they have one thing in common. They're shooting stars, a spectacular moment of light in the heavens, fleeting glimpse of eternity, and in a flash they're gone."

"I couldn't sleep last night because I know that it's over between us. I'm not bitter any more, because I know that what we had was real. And if in some distant place in the future we see each other in our new lives, I'll smile at you with joy and remember how we spent the summer beneath the trees, learning from each other and growing in love. The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds, and that's what you've given me. That's what I hope to give to you forever. I love you. I'll be seeing you."

I miss my house, my room.